First of all, don’t worry, this is not a pregnancy announcement, just my musings about babies at the moment. Baby bumps, babies, pregnancy, it seems to be everywhere at the moment and I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit recently.
Someone told me they were pregnant the other day, I was of course immensely happy for them, but it also sparked off a variety of feelings in me. Since the two miscarriages, I think these feelings have become even more complex and confused. As time has gone on, I think the pain and the questioning why has increased.
Sometimes I feel jealous of others for being pregnant, but then I feel like I’m not allowed to feel like this, because essentially it was our choice not to try more (Pre-adoption). I feel like I’d like to know what it feels like to be pregnant (for more than a couple of weeks) but I’m also not sure I’m really that bothered about being pregnant. Maybe It’s the newborn I’d like?. But I’m also glad we didn’t have to go through some of the baby stages (think sleepless nights). I’m forever looking at the baby accessories and tiny cute baby clothes in shops, and kinda feel sad that I didn’t get to buy any of them. I wish I could join in birth stories and breast feeding chat with other mums. They all seem to have been friends since their babies were born, so it’s hard to slot in a couple of years later.
I wish I had given birth to my little girl, then she wouldn’t have the loss that adoption brings. I would know that she was safe in pregnancy. I would have prevented those multiple moves in her first years. She would be spared her sadness and confusion of her story. I would be able to tell her about what she was like as a baby. I would have videos and photos to show her. I would be able to show her off on social media like all the other parents do. I would have got to choose her whole name. However, all these things make her her, and actually I love her just as she is.
I have the most beautiful little girl, and I’m so glad we found each other. I am grateful I get to be her mummy, to experience what being a mum is all about. Sometimes I do think about what would have happened if she had stayed with her birth family, or gone to another family, what would she be like? what would she be doing? So, I hug her a little tighter everyday, and tell her I love her a little more…