This post is all about whether we should celebrate adoption, and the various ‘milestones’ associated with adoption. I have been thinking about this for some time now, and was prompted to try to write some thoughts down. It came after someone mentioned on Twitter about seeing others announcing and celebrating the arrival of their child via adoption. They wondered whether such an event was worthy of a celebration?
Its’s a tricky one, this because as with every situation, we don’t know the full story behind this, as someone else said ‘snapshot’. So, we naturally come to conclusions and I guess, judge. I wanted to think about why adoptive parents want to celebrate adoption, and why seeing them do this could make others upset or uncomfortable.
I don’t know if I”m just a bit more connected on social media now then when we were going through the adoption process, or that its a much bigger anyway now. However, I see with and engage with adoption a lot. One thing I’ve noticed is the adopters use widely to ‘document their journey’ From pre approval, matching, to the child coming home, and beyond. It seems a big thing now, and there are even adoption milestone cards that some people use. I was thinking about why we feel the need to do this, and thought that maybe it’s because we want it to be like it would be if we were pregnant. It allows parents to not feel left out of this preparation phase. It builds the excitement and anticipation. It draws others into our journey, and provides support. It almost normalises adoption as an option for a route to parenthood.
Now we are parents, we fairly often take to social media to share our daughter’s achievements. The funny things she does or says. The joy she brings to our family. The fabulous little girl she is. Why do we do it? Because we’re parents, and generally that’s what parents do. Our daughter may be adopted, but we’re just like any other parents in that we’re proud, and we want to share our happiness with others. Parenting requires your absolute all, and this includes celebrating the good bits. I think as an adoptive parent, if you don’t let yourself do this, you could end up feeling not fully their parent. You might feel a bit detached maybe. Like you’re not allowed to celebrate because it might upset someone else. Obviously, with adoption there are additional things to consider about what and how we share. But, I don’t think that should take away being allowed to celebrate.
For some adoptive parents, the little things really are the big things. Their child may have achieved something massive for them, so of course they’re going to want to celebrate, and why not? I guess it can provide hope to others as well, that somehow, someday they’ll get there too.
Parts of adoption that are often celebrated include matching, introductions, homecoming day and the granting of the adoption order. Now I’ve understood adoption trauma more, I have mixed feelings about celebrating these events. They are normally hugely happy and positive to the adoptive family. But of course, with adoption there is always loss, grief and sadness that goes hand in hand with these ‘milestones’ One family’s gain is then another’s loss. One family’s happiness is another’s pain. It’s complicated, and no one story is the same as another. It’s very emotive, and people will have big feelings and views about it.
We have and still do publicly ‘celebrate’ these markers of our story. But, we also often think about our daughter’s birth family, and how they might be feeling on those days too. We talk to her about them, and discuss her story with her regularly. I think that celebrating her shows just how much we value her, and how much she enriches our life. I hope that by celebrating adoption, and the positives it’s given our family, it shows her that it’s not something that we’re ashamed of, or want to hide. I hope it shows her that it’s something she’s allowed to be proud about, something that makes her part of who she is. I also hope it shows her that adoption is always going to be part of her, part of her story, and we don’t want to/won’t take that away. As well as celebrating having her in our lives, we talk about and acknowledge that it’s ok to have mixed feelings too. She knows that it’s ok to miss her birth family, and life she could have had. It’s ok to feel sad, confused, conflicted. I am prepared that it may be that as she gets older, she might not want to celebrate those events so much, and that’s ok. We may not mark them so public ally, but I will always mark those dates in my heart. They’re significant to me, important turning points in my life as well as hers.
I’m going to end this post with this quote, which I love. I don’t know where it comes from, but it think it perfectly sums up adoption. As adoptive parents we must never forget this. She is our daughter, but she is their’s too. Although she is legally ours, she wouldn’t be here without them, and she has a huge place in our hearts as well as in theirs too.
