To the most precious of girls,
with the most beautiful of curls.
We love you lots & lots,
just like jelly tots.
Mummy & Daddy are so lucky to have you ,
you stick our family together just like glue.
You bring lots of laughter and fun,
you are our special little one.
Although you’re growing up now and very nearly four,
you’ll still be our little baby girl forever more!
This is week it’s Mother’s Day, so of course there is lots around to remind us of it. On Instagram at the moment women are sharing about #whenibecameamother and it got me thinking about how you know when you’re a mum.
To be honest, I’m not sure I can really pinpoint an event or moment that I felt I was a mum. Most of those photos I saw on Instagram were of women and their new born babies. My little girl came to us when she was 2 1/2. The photo I put up was her asleep in her new bed in our house the very first night she stayed over. It was indeed a significant milestone in the journey to become her mum, but thinking about it made me question if this was the moment I truly felt her mum.
I think maybe becoming ‘a’ mum (to an unknown child), is different to becoming ‘their’ mum (to a specific child) So, when we were approved to adopt, in someways I probably did feel like a mum, or at least like now I really could (and hopefully would) become someone’s mum. I felt like I had the qualities and skills to be a mum, and had done a good amount of prep to parent a child. It was only when I saw her profile and started to ‘get to know’ her, that I possibly felt like I could be ‘her’ mum. It was her gorgeous smile that drew me to her, and from that moment on I started to fall in love. That love took time and effort to develop, but there was that initial spark and connection which helped me think about what I could offer to her if I was to be her mummy.
As we progressed through the linking and matching stages and then finally met her, all of those events and focus did help me start to feel like I was becoming a mum, but I don’t think I felt I was hers yet. When we took her out on our own during intros it was the most surreal experience ever. To anyone else we looked like a ‘normal’ family, but I kept thinking, they don’t know that we only met yesterday, and we don’t know how to be her parents yet. It didn’t feel real.
Once she came home, and we settled into our routine I started to feel more like a ‘proper’ mum, her mum. But it still felt very strange calling myself ‘mummy’, or her ‘my little girl’ I don’t think I called her ‘my daughter’ for quite a while, but it gradually became easier and more natural.
Before we had the adoption order I had expected to feel more her mum once it had been granted, as by then I would be legally her mum. However I don’t remember feeling any different. Maybe because it was a bit anticlimactic, and maybe because by then I was doing everything a mum would/should do for her child. Nothing practically changed. Although we were finally bound by surname, we were already bound by a continually deepening connection and love. We didn’t need a court paper to tell us we were mother and daughter, we were already living it.
In conclusion, I think the thing that made me feel most like a mum, was actually being called ‘mummy’ by my girl. She said it from that very first meeting when she ran to the door to greet us. I don’t think she knew what it meant really, but I’ll never forget that moment. Once she started saying ‘mummy’ because she knew what it meant was when I truly felt hers.
M-U-M-M-Y was the second word she learnt to spell (after her own name), and that makes me very happy. I think she summed this topic up perfectly herself when she introduced us to the postman at nursery by saying ‘I’m her daughter’. Yes my darling, you are, and I’m so proud to be your mummy!
That time of year has come round again, contact time! I wrote about it last year, (read here ) but times have moved on, and so have my thoughts about it, to some extent.
We’ve now written 3 times, this is the 4th. One Birth Relative has replied, and it’s been great to have that two way communication. This is the same relative that we have direct contact with. At the moment it feels like a really positive relationship that I hope will be really help our daughter to come to terms with and understand her story.
The other birth relative has not replied. This is hard for me to emotionally manage now, so I can only anticipate that my little one may struggle when she’s older too. I hope that the life story work we’ve started, and will continue to build on will help her to understand the possible reasons behind this lack of reply.
I think I’m finding it more of a challenge to write this time, not because there’s not lots to say (there is loads!), it’s because we’ve been doing some basic life story work, and I’ve been able to see how it’s all affected my girl. It’s hard to write to the person who caused the ‘damage’, who couldn’t keep my baby safe. But more than anger I think I feel really sad for this person. Actually, her own story is pretty tragic and a typical example of generational social problems and difficulties. I’m not excusing what happened, but it does help to try to understand the history of the people involved. If I had been through some of the things she has, I’m not sure I’d be in the right place to reply to a letter either. Also, I can only imagine the pain of loosing your child, and not having the joy and privilege of seeing them grow up. Receiving a letter every now and then detailing how great their child is must bring up such conflicting emotions. I wonder if it brings up the trauma of losing her again and again. We were fortunate to meet her, and I saw her smile. I pretty sure she gave my daughter her beautiful smile. It’s a daily reminder that even though my girl is 100% mine, I didn’t physically shape her.
The other thing I struggle with is the fact that contact letters tend to be really upbeat and positive, and they don’t really truly touch on the challenges and difficulties of adoption. I’m not sure the birth relatives want to hear about the tantrums and challenging behaviours. They probably don’t want to hear how sad and confused Little One was when we discussed her story. However, I think I will try to touch lightly on some of these aspects, as I feel it’s only fair that they do have some insight into the realities of Little One’s life now. I want them to know that her life is just like any one else’s, with it’s natural ups and downs. I also want them to understand to some extent how her life will be forever affected by the fact that she is adopted .
So, I will attempt to put aside my feelings, and will continue to write. I actually love writing about what my little one has been up to. It’s a really nice way to look back over the last 6(ish) months, and to document all the progress and milestones. I guess it’s a unique plus point of adoption. It’s a great chance to celebrate our fabulous little person, and to reassure her birth family that she’s doing brilliantly. I hope they are encouraged by what they read, and I hope that it brings some comfort in the midst of a difficult situation. My daughter currently doesn’t know about letterbox, and crossing that bridge when it comes I’m sure will be another blog post.
Right, now to actually get on with writing the letters, and to stop procrastinating by writing this post……
First of all, don’t worry, this is not a pregnancy announcement, just my musings about babies at the moment. Baby bumps, babies, pregnancy, it seems to be everywhere at the moment and I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit recently.
Someone told me they were pregnant the other day, I was of course immensely happy for them, but it also sparked off a variety of feelings in me. Since the two miscarriages, I think these feelings have become even more complex and confused. As time has gone on, I think the pain and the questioning why has increased.
Sometimes I feel jealous of others for being pregnant, but then I feel like I’m not allowed to feel like this, because essentially it was our choice not to try more (Pre-adoption). I feel like I’d like to know what it feels like to be pregnant (for more than a couple of weeks) but I’m also not sure I’m really that bothered about being pregnant. Maybe It’s the newborn I’d like?. But I’m also glad we didn’t have to go through some of the baby stages (think sleepless nights). I’m forever looking at the baby accessories and tiny cute baby clothes in shops, and kinda feel sad that I didn’t get to buy any of them. I wish I could join in birth stories and breast feeding chat with other mums. They all seem to have been friends since their babies were born, so it’s hard to slot in a couple of years later.
I wish I had given birth to my little girl, then she wouldn’t have the loss that adoption brings. I would know that she was safe in pregnancy. I would have prevented those multiple moves in her first years. She would be spared her sadness and confusion of her story. I would be able to tell her about what she was like as a baby. I would have videos and photos to show her. I would be able to show her off on social media like all the other parents do. I would have got to choose her whole name. However, all these things make her her, and actually I love her just as she is.
I have the most beautiful little girl, and I’m so glad we found each other. I am grateful I get to be her mummy, to experience what being a mum is all about. Sometimes I do think about what would have happened if she had stayed with her birth family, or gone to another family, what would she be like? what would she be doing? So, I hug her a little tighter everyday, and tell her I love her a little more…
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about sharing our daughter’s life story book , have a read here: https://secretlife.me.uk/life-story/ if you haven’t already. I thought I’d do a little update to let you know how we got on. These last couple of weeks have brought up a lot of feelings for all of us, and if I’m honest they sort of caught me unawares.
So, the initial reaction was pretty good, she was interested, and seemed to take in the new information well. She didn’t seem too bothered by it, and happily went back to watching Peppa afterwards. She seemed fine for the rest of the day and slept as normal that night. We had let nursery know (the communication book we suggested is working well), and I was able to give a verbal ‘heads-up’ in the morning too. They said she was fine, and the only thing she had said was that ‘she doesn’t sleep in a cot anymore, she sleeps in a wooden bed now’. She did move from a cot into a toddler bed when she moved from the foster carers to us, so maybe the discussions had triggered this memory.
It was the 2nd/3rd days after that things changed, she became much more unsettled. She was very emotional and argumentative/whiney, which I know every 3year old can be, but she is normally so bright and happy that this was unusual for her. We went back to lots of screaming from her, and some chewing of clothing and toys. Both things she used to do much earlier in placement. When she’s ‘chewy’ we know something is up. One day she was unsettled from the moment she woke up, and normally she’s a happy morning person. Even a trip to the farm which she normally loves couldn’t cheer her up.
It’s really hard to know what to say to her. When we tried to talk to her and to find out what was bothering her, but she just repeated what we said, and I didn’t want to put words into her mouth or name feelings she didn’t have. However, I think it was good to keep talking about what we’d read about, and to wonder. It gave us more opportunities to reinforce the fact that she is our little girl and she’ll be staying with us forever. We read her intro book, which helped to remind her of when she came to us.
Another really interesting thing my little one has started doing is to reject her favourite doggy friend B. Now, we gave her B pre-intros, so he’s very strongly linked to us. He features heavily in the intro book, and she has be inseparable from him since then. She’s always thrown him around as most small children do with their toys (mostly down the stairs every morning), but now she’s throwing him intentionally. She’s been shouting at him and telling him she doesn’t love him. She’s excluded him from her play and pushed him away when offered to her. Now I know he’s only a toy, and children do that, but it feels deeper with him. I do wonder if it’s all linked to the life story work and sub-consciously trying to push us away because all those other people in her story that she loved went away too. Maybe? I try not to take it personally and to try to understand why she might be doing it, but it hurts and its hard. We do try to show her how much we al love B, and how sad we’d all be without him. She normally gives him a cuddle and kiss fairly quickly, so I know deep down she loves him.
The ‘challenging’ behaviour lasted a few more days, although mostly at home, not out and about. I got really cross with her one morning before work/nursery and had to drop her off when she was still upset. We had tried to make up before she went in, but it didn’t feel proper. I felt so bad seeing her look so sad when I left her. I worried about her so much I rang nursery to check she was ok. apparently she was fine. I was pretty much crying myself by then, I felt such a failure and disappointed with myself. She was hurting and I felt like I made it worse. Im not sure how I managed to pull myself together to be professional for work, but in the very short walk to work I somehow did. When I picked her up she was happy to see me, and she had learnt to spell her name.
A week after we first shared the book, things still weren’t great. The book was out on the table but she hadn’t asked to look at it, so we hadn’t. We decided to show it to her again, as we thought maybe talking about things and looking at the pictures might help if she had got confused or couldn’t remember some of the details. I sat with her in her room and we looked again. We sat for quite a while in the end, and chatted. We talked about how Birth Mum’s lifestyle choices weren’t healthy, and why some of the people she loved couldn’t look after her. She really took it in, and at bedtime, she used some of her toys to be the people in the book, and almost acted out some of what we’d read. I was amazed she’d taken in so much, and had the capacity to use the toys to demonstrate her understanding. It broke my heart at the same time. She’s so little to have to even think about some of these things. We were able to talk about how she misses those people. She asks if Birth Mum is feeling better now. I’m glad she is starting to piece together the fragments of her life, but angry that she has to do it in the first place.
On Monday she put something in her ear in Nursery, it was unwitnessed, and we couldn’t get her out, so we ended up going to the hospital. They couldn’t get it out either, so we had to go back the next day to see the ENT consultant, who thankfully did get out the tiny bit of plastic with no damage to the ear. I do wonder why she did this, yes all children do these sort of things, but was it because she felt a bit all over the place anyway? After the hospital visit she was really not herself, again it could have been because of being at the hospital, but again it felt like something more for her. The next day, some sense of calm was restored, and since then things have been better. Still not completely better, but she seems more herself, we only have couple of screams a day compared to several. I do wonder if the hospital trips have anything to do with it, as we showed her we do care, and we do look after her when she’s hurt herself or is unwell. Maybe she was able to trust us more now. Again, maybe I’m reading too much into it, adoptive parenting does that to you, or at least it does to me.
After a few tricky mornings pre nursery, I managed to get her there with no problems again. Interestingly after we read the book a second time she clearly said she didn’t want it out in the living room. I put it away in the playroom, still visible and accessible so she knows where it is, but not somewhere she sees it all the time. She hasn’t asked for it since, and seems calmer for it. We haven’t talked much about her life story.
We are 8months post adoption order, (and nearly 16months post placement). We asked for an assessment of need around 7months ago as we felt we needed some support mostly around life story work and possible play therapy to help with this. We have heard nothing at all from the placing LA since this request. Our social worker has been trying to chase it, but since the AO, I get the impression we’re very much low priority. I know 7months is nothing compared to what some people wait, and we’ve held off chasing because we are not ‘in crisis’, but this is an assessment that little one is legally entitled too, and she’s not getting it. We could really do some help with how to help her explore and come to terms with her story, but it’s likely to be several more months before any, or even a basic assessment is offered. We had some training at our adoption agency, but that was generic, and it’s very different when you have an actual child and you’re not sure what to do.
So, despite the fallout, which was I was expecting, and yet it still took me by surprise I am glad that we shared her life story book. We had always wanted to start telling her her story when she was little, and to build on it as her understanding and awareness grows. I think it’s really important she starts to form her own identity, and she can only do this by being fully informed. It breaks my heart to have these discussions with her, and for her to be so confused and unsettled by them, but I’m glad that we do at least have some of the resources to help us. She makes me proud everyday, and despite all her struggles she still smiles her beautiful smile. I love that I get to experience all these new things with her, and celebrate the successes as well as work through the tough times together too.
Today we shared our little girl’s Life Story Book (LSB) with her for the first time….
Before we came to adoption I had never heard of a Life Story Book, so when I first heard it talked about I didn’t really know what it was, or why it is significant in an adopted child’s life. I am adopted myself, but don’t have a life story book, so I wondered what’s changed in the 30years since I was adopted.
So, what is a Life Story Book you might ask? Well, it is exactly that, a ‘life story book’ It is a specially written book that explains to the child in an age and developmental appropriate way about their life, and how/why they came to be adopted. They are meant to be adaptable, so they grow with the child as their understanding and comprehension of their story increases. Information can be added, and facts can be expanded on to provide more detail. The child’s Social Worker (or more often than not a support worker) will put together the book. I think it’s meant to be done by no later than just after the granting of the Adoption Order. Once the child is old and mature enough their parents can share with them their Later Life Letter. This is a detailed letter written to them at the time of adoption by their social worker. It details everything about their journey to adoption. If life story work (with or without the book) is done properly, then the basic facts in that should not be new information.
The quality of Life Story Books varies massively, with some being great, and others really not. Some have inaccurate information, poor quality pictures and are not age or developmentally appropriate. Some children never get their book, even years later.
We were very lucky and have got a really good book. Yes, it does have quite a bit of the standard clip art, but there are lots of photos (that we provided when requested) too. The written information is just about right for our little girl now, and for the next couple of years. The pages are removable, so if we want we can just take some out if we don’t feel it’s helpful. It’s a large photo album type book, with each page really nicely presented on bright colourful paper that appeals to a little girl. We were actually given our book back in the summer, but have held off until now to share with our daughter. When the social worker brought it, our little girl was just about to start nursery so we didn’t feel it would be right to add the book into her life just yet. We have felt that the time was right to share the book in the last few weeks, but wanted to wait until after Christmas to do it. This was a partly selfish decision because we wanted to enjoy Christmas during a time in which we all felt quite settled, and didn’t want to ‘rock the boat’
I have always know I was adopted, and when I was talking about this to our social worker she asked how my parents had helped us to know, understand and accept this. I chatted to my Mum, and she said that it was just something that was talked about from the very beginning. Initially with just the basic facts, but building on them as we got older. She said that by the time we could really understand, we already knew our stories, and nothing was a surprise. I guess this is partly why we didn’t have Life Story Books as they are known now. So, this is how we’ve tried to approach it with our little girl, to slowly drip feed her the information and facts as opportunities have led us to. We’ve had quite a few situations where these conversations have been prompted, such as attending court for our celebration hearing and contact with birth family members and foster carers. We have read a few books about adoption, so we’ve started to introduce that concept. She knows she didn’t grow in my tummy and we have been able to tell her why her Birth Family were unable to look after her. Also why she didn’t stay with her Foster Family who she adores. She knows the social workers looked hard to find Mummy and Daddy, and that she is going to stay with us forever. She loves her intro book, and we still read it regularly. Just recently we’ve talked a bit about what we did with her in intros, which she remembers some of. It all helps to build up a narrative around why she came to us and what her story is.
So, today was the big ‘unveiling’ of the book. I felt quite apprehensive about it because I didn’t know how she was going to take it. I’ve heard some stories of children really struggling with their books, and it causing lots of confusion and upset. It felt like a big step to take, and my girl is so little still really, was it fair to unsettle things when we had worked so hard to settle her? Could I deal with the emotional fall out, life is tiring enough without that extra stress? She wasn’t particularly asking for more information, so did we need to give it now? Lots to consider, but we felt that now was the right time as we wanted her to be familiar with the book. We thought it would be better to give her the information (as appropriate) now whilst she is little so she can take time to absorb and process it, rather than wait until she actively asks and it be too much all at once.
I sat with her on my lap, and together we looked through the book. Her Daddy was also in the room, so could join in any conversations, and could reiterate the important bits. Because she can’t read, I was able to go through and only pick out the bits she already knew. She enjoyed looking through the photos (I’m so glad I spent the time sending so many to the support worker, it was worth it). It prompted conversation about why she couldn’t live with those people again. She was able to really start to understand where she came from. I think the only new information she got today was that we’d met Birth Mum and another relative. We looked at photos in the book that were taken at this meeting just before we met her. She didn’t actually recognise Birth Mum from the photo, but she already knew her name. We talked about how I think she probably got her height and beautiful smile from her. She asked to ‘read’ the book again, and took time to look at the photos again. We sat and looked/chatted for quite a while, and my husband said she had the look on her face of real concentration and processing what she was learning.
She has seemed ok for the rest of the day, happily making some thank-you cards and then engrossed in Peppa Pig. She is feeling a bit unwell, so actually a great opportunity to try to relax and not rush around. I hope this gave her a chance to start to process it all. She may be too young to really realise the significance of it all, but I’m glad we’ve taken that step on our journey together. I’m sure there will be some more wondering and questions, and probably some confusion shown in various ways. I hope that she knows how loved and cherished she is. I hope we can help her to understand that all those people in her book loved her too. I hope she knows she’s our girl forever now and although she has her future with us, we’ll always respect and acknowledge her past as it’s part of who she is and what makes her her.
My little girl has loved food ever since we’ve known her. In fact, the very first day we met her we went for lunch, and I was amazed how much food a small person could eat. Not only does she eat a good really amount, but she eats a large variety of food too. She has probably quite a sophisticated palate for her age, and loves tucking into food with big/strong flavours such as blue cheese.
From the beginning we could see that little one loves food, but that potentially she could grow to love it maybe too much. This could create issues such as wanting/needing to eat too much, or being constantly fixated on food and always wanting to eat. Until quite recently she has had to always finish everything on her plate, whether she was full or not. She looked full and uncomfortable, but refused to let us take anything off her plate. These last few weeks we’ve noticed that she will let herself leave some food on her plate, and will allow some to be put back, or ‘shared’ with ourselves. This has been consistent over time, and in different social situations including eating out at restaurants and at extended families houses. This must mean that she is starting to understand and respond to the feeling of being full. It may also be that even after over a year, she is now starting to trust that there will be more food tomorrow, so she doesn’t need to worry. We have been doing daily ‘tummy time’ activities to try and enhance her sensory systems, and I’m sure starting these co-incided with her allowing food to be left. This could possibly be because she is learning how to regulate her body a little better.
We don’t really know much about her very early life experiences of food and it’s provision. It may have been that it was inconsistent and unreliable, which could explain the need to eat as much as possible when it was provided. It may have been due to under-developed sensory systems, so she couldn’t feel when she was full. It could have been that meal times were chaotic/stressful, so not a pleasant experience.
From her coming home we have tried to help her have a relaxed and positive relationship with food. This has included letting her ‘help’ with food prep and cooking. She always wants to ‘try some’, and I’ve learnt that it’s easier to let her, rather than her constantly ask for some. She is learning to wait until I give her some, rather than just grab it from the chopping board. We quite often bake together, which is becoming less stressful as we do it more. She enjoys the cooking process, and she is proud of the finished product. We like to take cakes to my work every now and then, so she likes baking for Mummy’s friends. When writing meal plans she will tell us some meals she would like for the week. She will often come shopping with us. Most days we’ll tell her what’s for tea at the beginning of the day so she knows what to expect. She also likes to try some food off our plates if we’re having something different. She is also learning that she enjoys sharing food from her plate too. Sometimes when I know she’s getting full, I encourage her to ‘share with mummy’ so that she has less to eat, it normally works.
At home we tend to plate up food in the kitchen and bring it to the table to eat. There are not normally seconds, and any leftovers are out of sight. At others houses, they tend to serve up at the table, meaning food is there in front of her, and she tended to see it and want more. I’ve noticed that she’s coping much better with this now and doesn’t repeatedly ask for more. I tend to give her less in these situations as I know that she’ll want more. This way she can have a bit more, and not eat too much. This has made meal times at others houses less stressful for me, although I still find it really frustrating when I’m trying hard to not let her overeat, but others take delight in giving her seconds/thirds when she doesn’t need it. They maybe don’t understand the complexities of food with her, and they love feeding someone who clearly enjoys food. I have had to be quite firm when saying enough is enough. Nursery also have strict instructions not to let her overeat, and to monitor how much food she’s allowed to serve herself.
I’ve always been a bit particular with food myself, and have anxieties about putting on weight, sometimes worse than other times. I don’t, and haven’t had an eating disorder, although some liked to joke I did, which obviously didn’t help matters. I find I’m always worried I’ve given her too big portions, and an worried she’ll gain too much weight. I feel a huge responsibility to make sure I feed her healthily and sensibly. I am aware that my insecurities with food could affect and be transferred to my daughter as she grows. I do try to make sure I don’t verbalise my insecurities and anxieties to her. I also try to talk about ourselves positively so that she learns positive body image. I am working hard on being kinder to myself, and making sure I don’t develop unhealthy habits. I am learning to exercise for pleasure, rather than feeling the pressure (from myself) to do it for weight loss only. I no longer calorie count as that made my insecurities and anxieties so much worse. It took the enjoyment out of food.
I want to end this post by saying thank-you to my precious girl, for being such a joy and pleasure to cook for and feed. It really does make me happy. I also want to say how proud I am of her for learning for trust and believe that we will feed her again, even if she doesn’t finish her meal. This I think speaks volumes about how well settled and at home she is with us.
This last couple of weeks I’ve been learning quite a bit about sensory processing in relation to early trauma in children. I’ve been able to understand much more about it, and have been very lucky to attend a training day with Sarah Lloyd, an OT who has done a lot of work around sensory processing in childhood trauma and neglect, (see link at the end of post to find her book) As an OT myself I am particularly interested in this topic, and how I can use my existing and newly learnt knowledge to help my little girl achieve her best. I really wish I knew more about sensory processing in children before now, so hopefully this post will help others who are keen to know more too.
So, we were talking with our social worker about our little girl and mentioned that she falls over a lot. This was initially several times a walk, but has actually reduced quite a bit now. We just thought it was because our little girl is very tall, with long limbs, so maybe she’s just still growing into her body and woking out what to do and co-ordinate herself. We never really considered it could be more than that, and thought that she didn’t really exhibit any sensory impairment, so didn’t think about sensory processing. Our social worker recommended that we read Sarah Lloyd’s book (see link below), so I did, and it totally changed my thoughts about sensory processing. I was also very fortunate to attend a training day delivered by Sarah, which really helped me to further understand the topic and to learn about why the techniques taught work. Some parents came and shared how some simple activities and games designed to improve sensory processing had changed their children’s lives. That was really powerful and encouraging.
So, what is sensory processing you ask?, well in it’s basic form it’s all about sensory integration and how early movement and sensory experiences affect brain development. When children have missed out on the normal early movement experiences (e.g. trauma/neglect), they become out of tune with their own bodies, and have little body awareness. They can’t recognise how they’re feeling inside – e.g. they don’t know if they’re hot/cold, hungry or full up. Because body awareness is a foundation for learning, social and emotional development, a lack of it will lead to difficulties in all areas of life as the child grows up. The child also struggles to recognise, understand and control their emotions. Improving sensory processing works on the theory that the systems are not broken, instead they’re under-used, and need lots of practice/use to become functional. This means that missed physical developmental gaps can be filled, and this is what we as adoptive parents can be doing with our children.
From reading the book & attending the training I have worked out that my little girl probably has underdeveloped vestibular and proprioceptive systems. Now I’m not diagnosing this, I’m not qualified to do this, but Sarah advises that you can’t do any harm practicing normal developmental movement patterns, and none of the exercises/activities are technical or more than what any child does in their everyday lives, so should not overstimulate or damage. She does say that if you suspect your child to have a sensory processing disorder, then specialist assessment and treatment/management is required.
The vestibular system helps us balance and not fall over. it gives us gravitational stability and core strength/stability. It is the earliest developing system, which develops in utero (before birth). It is fully formed by mid pregnancy. When the baby is moving in the uterus, this is massively priming the system in preparation for after birth. It’s important to understand that drugs/alcohol will have a depressing affect on this system, so the baby will be born already neurologically compromised. The vestibular system provides our stable base, which for us is the head, neck and shoulder girdle. Without good control of these, we struggle to perform activities very well. Its these that babies develop first. Under-active vestibular systems present as low muscle tone, being fearful of movement and poor balance/co-ordination. Subtly my little girl has all of these. She didn’t learn to scoot or jump with two feet for ages, she was cautious/fearful in the play-park, and fell over a lot. She walks down steps with 2 feet on each step at a time. She seemed to have poor core muscle control and strength.
The Proprioceptive system is all about knowing/sensing where your body part is in space, and being able to move it in a smooth/co-ordinated way, sometimes without having to look at it. (e.g. walking without always having to look at your feet to know where they are). This may explain why my little girl appears to fall over ‘thin air’. if she is distracted (and being hyper-vigilent she tends to be very aware of her environment, but not always of herself), she diverts her attention from looking at her feet to something else and is no longer compensating for the lack proprioceptive feedback . If you don’t know where your body is in space, the best way to orientate yourself is by connecting with the environment around you, e.g.touching/feeling/ banging/crashing into things. Some children with underdeveloped proprioceptive systems struggle to get adequate sensory feedback from their environment, so they have to move around a lot to achieve this, and know where their body part is and what its doing. They tend to be very fidgety, and can use excessive force (being heavy handed) without really being aware of what they’re doing.
So, what can we do to build up these systems? The main point I took away from the teaching session was that the best way to develop the vestibular and proprioceptive systems is to strengthen the base (head, neck, should girdle) This can be done by the child laying down on their tummy, and being encouraged to lift their head up. Lots of activities can be done in this position (e.g. reading, watching tv, drawing) Once the child can manage this, they could try to move onto commando crawling. Other more ‘heavy’ activities such as carrying heavy items, pushing against things, wall squats can help to calm the central nervous system when it becomes over-stiumulated or over-aroused. They help to stimulate the proprioceptive system, and help to ‘ground’ the body.
Since learning more about sensory processing we have already been practicing laying on our tummies, and it’ll be fun to come up with some ways to make it fun and challenging at the same time.We started going to the play session at the gym. I’ll try to think about how we can use what there is there to work on her ‘stable base’. It’s prompted me to remember that even though my little girl did not appear to have sensory processing impairment, her background makes it highly likely that she does have it to some extent. Its my job to make sure that she gets the opportunities to fill in some of those early gaps as it will all help to set her up better to manage her world when she’s bigger.
Sarah’s Lloyd’s book: “Improving Sensory Processing In Traumatised Children”
This is going to be a different post to the normal, it’s not even really adoption related. Instead it’s going to be a bit of why (despite it’s challenges), I really love being an Occupational Therapist (OT)…..
This week is Occupational Therapy Week, in which we celebrate and promote OT, So I thought I’d write a bit about another major part of my identity, and part that for me is far from the ‘adoption bubble’
Many people ask me ‘what is OT?’. It’s actually really hard to define as it is such a varied job with many specialties. It is not occupational health, and as my husband likes to think, it’s not just about measuring toilets. It’s essentially about ‘occupation’, not just the work variety, but ‘occupation’ that describes every single part of a person’s being. Anything, from eating, walking, talking (and everything in between) is essentially occupation. It is the tiny things such as flickers of movement in the fingers (which can enable function) to the bigger things such as feeding yourself or getting washed. I was trying to find a proper definition, and really liked this quote from the homepage of the Royal College of OT website ‘Helping people to live, not exist’ I loved it and feel like it sums up my job pretty well.
I have been an Occupational Therapist for 10 years now, and I think I love it even more now than I did way back then. I think this comes from personal and professional maturity, and from having so much more experience and confidence. I went to uni to study OT straight from school/6th form at 18, so was very young without the valuable life experience that I think is needed for this job. I currently work in acute stroke care which involves assessing and carrying out rehab with people who have just had their strokes. Despite its challenges, it’s an amazing job, and I feel very lucky and privileged to be able to share people’s journey to recovery with them.
I love stroke rehab, it’s fascinating. I am a bit of a geek and love learning about the brain, and what it can do, how it works, and what we can do to aid recovery. I love working with patients and seeing them get better and able to achieve more. We see some people with massive strokes, and it’s such a delight to share their recovery with them. To help someone learn to sit up again, to see some movement regained, and to see them feed themselves again makes all the hard work so so worth it. To help someone express their feelings, to watch them learn to talk again, to see them take their first steps is wonderful. To enable people to make their family a drink, or to do a puzzle with their grandchild is amazing. To be able to advocate and fight for a patient gives a huge sense of achievement. To have worked really hard and see a positive outcome after a tricky case is great. To watch a patient walk out of hospital when they were unconscious when they came in is pretty special. To see them when they come back to visit looking so well reminds us that there is life outside the hospital. We don’t do it for the recognition and thanks, but when we do get it, it lifts the spirits of the tired team members.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself since becoming an OT. I’ve learnt that I am a good leader and teacher. I am proud of what I’ve achieved in leadership and management. I never thought I would make a good leader, but I don’t think I’m doing a bad job now I’m doing it. I love teaching students and seeing them learn. I love seeing them achieve and enjoy what they’re doing. I am actually quite a shy reserved person, but somehow at work I can speak out and up. I have been able to step way out of my comfort zone, and have felt really good for doing it. I volunteered to be the department resus trainer even though I always got really nervous when I had to attend the training myself. I learned to really enjoy this role and was proud of myself for having the confidence to give it a go.
Since becoming an adoptive parent I’ve seen that there are many qualities and skills of an OT that make a good parent, although I’ve also learnt that it’s often much harder to use them at home than at work. I always thought I was quite a calm and patient person, but since my little girl came home I’m not so sure… However, I have been able to use some of my skills at home as well as work. We do quite a bit of DIY art and crafts, and I’m sure some of my OT identity to use everyday things as ‘therapy’ has been in use there. Being a stroke OT, I know a bit about the brain, so I’m fascinated about the affect of (developmental) trauma on a child’s brain development and use. I know that as the brain is the body’s ‘control centre’, any part of daily functioning/being can be affected by brain damage. I know that the pathways in the brain can be to some extent ‘re-wired’, and am really interested to learn more about how this applied to children with development brain damage (such as those with FASD or other ‘trauma’). A large part of my work involves working people with sensory (sensation, proprioception, visual) impairment, and helping them live with their impairment. I know that many children with ‘trauma” have some level of sensory impairment (may that be underestimulation or overload), and although I don’t think my daughter really has sensory impairment, I’m really interested to learn more so that I can help her manage herself in the world around her as she grows us.
I have recently returned to work after a year off for adoption leave, and so far I’m so glad I did. It’s provided some much needed ‘breathing space’ from being a mum. It’s provided different challenges, and has enabled me to use my brain and skills in a different way. It has provided me with a different satisfaction and sense of achievement. Being back at work has given me the social interaction I missed when off as you can’t beat being and feeling part of a supportive team. Both my little girl and I are loving our days off together, and now we’ve settled into a routine more, we’re really enjoying the quality time we have together.
If anyone wants to find out more about OT look at https://www.rcot.co.uk
or check out their twitter page https://twitter.com/theRCOT
Today I went to a training session at our Adoption Agency all about Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).
Before we came to adoption I had never heard of FASD, I knew that drinking during pregnancy is not advisable because “it might harm the baby”, but I wasn’t really sure why, or how much it can damage at any/every stage of pregnancy. During the adoption process I have learnt a lot more about it, and it’s actually pretty scary. I think the most scary thing is that it’s totally and 100% preventable (by not drinking at all in pregnancy, no odd glass here and there) yet there is likely to be up to 7000 babies born with FASD each year in the UK. These babies are born into all social classes/groups and not just to mothers who drink heavily during the whole of their pregnancy. A baby can be born with FASD as a result of just one binge drinking session in pregnancy. Many of the children (up to 75%) who have been in care (and who go on to be adopted) will have been affected by alcohol damage in pregnancy.
FASD is irreversible and untreatable brain damage, and can cause significant disability (physical and learning). As it affects the brain it can affect any and every area of life/function. Most of the time the affects of FASD will not become apparent until the child is of school age as this is when their educational, emotional and social struggles become more obvious. FASD can be misdiagnosed as other conditions such as ADHD as many of the characteristics are the same.
I think that when we were going through the matching (finding our child) stage, FASD was big worry for me. Everything I’d read or heard made FASD appear very scary and very bleak. I expected any child to have all of the potential difficulties, and I wasn’t sure I could manage significant health and behavioural problems. However, I had to come to terms with the fact that there is often little way of knowing at placement if they will be affected by FASD (especially if very young). Even if drinking in pregnancy is known (and often it will be denied or under estimated/reported), you can’t really predict to what extent the child may be affected. There may also be other factors (post birth trauma, neglect, attachment) that can make parenting equally challenging. Adopters are expected to accept and live with the uncertainty of what could evolve in the future. At our matching panel we were questioned about this, and our answer was that our daughter (to-be) would be our daughter, just as if she’d been born to us, and we would fight and advocate for her if we needed just like we would a birth child. We would do our best to deal with any difficulties as any parent would. I would say to any prospective adopters, don’t write off a child with possible FASD, see them as them and who they could become. PMake sure that you have a comprehensive support plan written into the adoption plan. This way it might be a bit easier to fight for it when needed. Make sure that the education system is supportive & have a good personal support network. Make sure you get really good at self care, because you’ll need it, for sure.
To find out more about FASD see:
http://www.nofas-uk.org
https://www.fasdtrust.co.uk
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/foetal-alcohol-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx
