Happy Homecoming Day – To Me!

Today is my Homecoming Day, number 31. It’s the day we celebrate that on this day 31years ago, my mum and dad brought me home for good. The day I became their daughter.  It’s a day we mark and celebrate privately as a family, and when we were little it normally included a card, cake and often a small present. Now it’s usually an extra special text or hug. Although we don’t physically celebrate any more, it’s a date thats always stood out in my mind. A chance to stop and reflect, and above all to be thankful.

As an adopted person, and now an adoptive parent, I am very keen to listen to other adoptees. To hear their stories, to understand their thoughts and feelings. I hope it will make me a better parent for my little girl. I hope it will help me to support her as she grows up and starts to explore her own story. I have come to see that people’s adoption experiences are hugely different. I have heard some positive, but more often than not a lot of negative. Now, I don’t want to dismiss those seemingly ‘negative’, because they are those people’s stories, and their thoughts and feelings are very valid. We should listen, and we should learn so that others don’t have to experience and feel the same.

I also want to highlight that there are some ‘successes’, some ‘positive’, and I want to encourage everyone that adoption can be a hugely positive and worthwhile. I don’t really know how you would/should define ‘success’ in adoption. I guess it’s very subjective, as one person’s success could probably be seen by another person as their failure. I would say that my adoption has been an overwhelming success. I admit that this massively influences my view of adoption. I know that my adoption is very very different to most of the children adopted in the UK today, so it’s not fair to compare really, but I do see adoption as a positive option for some children. Adoption can give them the opportunities and permanence that not being adopted would never give them.

I want to show others that adopted people can and do turn out to be happy, well adjusted people. They are capable of having and sustaining meaningful relationships, and they can achieve just as much as the next person can. I know that saying ‘all children do that’ is really not helpful to say to adoptive parents, but I want to say to them, yes, really, all children do do that (of course we need to consider why they’re doing that, and the frequency/intensity for some behaviours). What I’m trying to say is that adoptees can and will behave like other children too. They will push our buttons, they will wind us up, but they will be equally lovely and charming too, just like other children.

I want to say to those considering adoption, and those being assessed, there are positive stories out there. Do read around, but don’t feel too disheartened. Do be prepared, and do try to understand the realities of modern day adoption, but remember as with everything, there is balance. To adoptive parents, don’t give up hope, be encouraged that there are and can be positive outcomes in adoption, so keep going, hang in there. Your hard work and perseverance now will be having an impact. You may not see it, or feel it, but maybe one day that child will be able to look back and see that you tried as hard as you possibly could. To professionals working with adoptive families, please please do try to provide the help that is so often needed. Parents will always try to do what they can, but sometimes they need a bit of help. As someone told me, the struggles they are having are not their fault, and it’s not that they’re bad parents, but they’re parenting traumatised children. It’s also not the child’s fault. These children are not ‘naughty children, and they come to adoption with the ‘damage’ already done, and sometimes only professional help will ease the difficulties. It could help the child develop their own sense of self and identity. It could help them be able to express themselves and come to terms with their experiences.

So today, we’re celebrating adoption. We’re celebrating the journey we’ve all been on, and celebrating the positive impact it’s had on all our lives. Today I’m grateful to be adopted, and thankful it’s made me the person I am today….

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